Ahhhhh Crapbaskets…
Yo…. so like, did yall know the end of the year was coming up? It’s insane to think about. This time last year I was desperately seeking medical help and mental health intervention. I was actively calling suicide lines but then never following up, or through. I started slipping in my own mental health so…. awfully. And now I’m here in my own little cozy studio, blaring Will Wood and Cosmo Shelldrake, while I franticly argue about how I am or aren’t an artist because I can’t figure out the perfect cover page for a pitch deck. I went to being deep in my addiction to self harm and almost even drinking (thankfully I went to a wonderful grippy sock stay, an actual 8/10 stay! Wish I could have had my vape lol) to now…. 2 Finals down, 1 to be finished this weekend, 1 to be finished next weekend, and the last to be in 3 weeks. So far I think I’ve somehow even managed to keep my GPA at or above 3.69 (nice)!!!!
It’s so incredibly anxious if I slow down and think about it too much. Maybe that’s why I’m not taking a lot of personal time. Maybe I’m worried if I do, I’ll start to actually think about the fact that I have things at stake again. On the street, the biggest concern is my backpack usually. Phone is too, but I usually keep that personally on me. Now…. I have my education and future. My… me? I’m actually investing in myself now, and have started building my actual life for once. I HAVE AN ACTUAL GOOD PC THAT I BUILT WTF???????? I have a job at the Queer Resource Center AT MY SCHOOL UM HELLO???? I even have, like, honestly one of the best bosses I’ve ever had, they’re probably right up their with Kelley, but Kelley and I were friends before they were my boss so that’s cheating (ironically, also when I went to school in 2015 and worked on campus{ahhh the start of my love of coffee}). My coworkers, even though most are younger then me… actually cool and kind of inspiring. (I think people should let themselves feel inspired by younger then them people…) The one who’s always being fired is like this little sibling who we shit on constantly but I SWEAR if they get hurt, ooooooohhhhhhhh imma cry loudly at someone! And then my usual work bestie has secretly been exposing me to all the music I was trying to find when I was their age haha. Honestly, they’re also one of the biggest reasons I feel comfortable working a job like this again. We spent like an hour compiling a list of who the other coworkers are if they were a Pokémon. And the last one I never get to work with, but have interacted with a handful of times outside of work and I absolutely adore them and love being in their space and energy. Great music choice, great fashion, dope birb.
And my job is literally just hanging out and helping organize events for queer folx at school. It’s the absolute best! My students (that what I call them anyways, or “the regulars”) are always so amazing to see. We have one most morning’s and I always try and make sure the coffee is fresh and ready for us since we both like having a morning cup around the same time. Another two are nerds in their own ways and are always so fun to talk and listen to. IT IS AWESOME. And my classes are going well again! I was gonna say idk how, but really it’s because of my support and those around me who have been helping and listening and just… being amazing. I guess that’s one of the reasons next term I have 19 credits and 7 classes, maybe I’m wanting to keep outdoing myself for others? Maybe I’m worried about financial aid it running out and not being able to get my bachelors? Maybe I’m not satisfied yet? But what if maybe it’s new self harm?
My brain loves to hate me, we’ve been working on it, slowly sure. The scars on my arms and body are nearly all healed up besides a few, but what if doing so much and not allowing myself ot slow down is me just trying to harm myself more? Like… ugh IG this goes back to me finally being social and learning to make my own friends. euch, we are NOT unpacking that right now though! Point is, I’m worried and I’m not entirely sure why. Maybe it’s because I’m out of survival and starting ot thrive. Maybe it’s because I’m starting to thrive that I feel worthy of you, but know how bad you are for me…. NOT UNPACKING THAT EITHER HANDS AND BRAIN HAHAAAAA
Fall term, you are nearly done. I managed to make an amazing best friend this term, some amazing memories like getting Kitsune colored in, getting invited to honor societies, acting in two films (I’m the lead in one that’s filming soon :# )Green Day (I still have to upload my photos and videos of the day, nothing wild but MEMORIES!!!) and I saw like SO MANY GOOD CROWS JUST VIBING. AH Portland, you truly are home for me.
And, hey, if you’re reading this, and I hope maybe you are, or at least like one day are, and this somehow still exists and my shit is STILL together next year (holy shit can I maintain it that long???? DBZ epic outro voice We’ll find out on DraGonBlyn X ) I just want you to know you’ve been the biggest help for me….. by far. thanks, and you mean the world the to me
