Well, I can honestly say I tried

I think it’s time. I’ve started the prep to draw the curtain. This clown’s act will be ending soon I think. My health took some real bad turns the last few months, and for once it wasn’t like, mental health. Neither of the news really hit me until about a week or two after getting them. At first I was more or less in disbelief, like she TOLD me, and went over the next couple steps, and I just wrote notes and followed along, joking a few times. I think that might be a normal immediate reaction, but I suppose I thought I’d be able to have a “baby freak-out” with my friends once I got out of the appt but….. I realized as soon as I stepped out the office I had no one to really talk to or tell.

I can’t recall what movie I was watching, it was more or less just background noise to dissociate to, but something in it happened that made me realize, I’m about to be 30, and I don’t have a single person in my life who can say they’ve known me a year. That’s not me blaming others, just myself. I’ve made it THIS far somehow, while constantly making the same mistakes, mess-ups, pitfalls, and self-destructive traps all the while gaslighting myself into thinking I’ve been getting better.

Yesterday was my one year self-harm free. June ‘23 was when I arrived. These last near 2 years have been nothing but me trying to fix myself and stop being so….. me. Some will say I’ve some so far and I’ve accomplished so much, but yet….. I look at all these “accomplishments” and I feel so…. empty still. Last term I somehow managed to get another 4.0. I have savings. I have housing, and a job, and…. still. I guess I’m just selfish. Maybe none of it's enough, maybe nothing is ever really enough, when I’m involved.

Anyways, I hope I’m able to help one person before it happens. My MRI and that other scan is in a month, I don’t know how many updates I have left, but at this point, I’m pretty sure this is my own journal at this point, and I kind of like that.